When I first created this blog, it was a way to connect with other runners and physically mark my stake in the ground as part of the community. It’s crazy how much it’s evolved over the years and in some ways, I feel like it’s my daily diary about life and my thoughts. Funny how we don’t really track that stuff via paper anymore, but instead, take our private thoughts and share it with the world in front of us.
But what’s also funny, is that I feel like sometimes I overanalyze what I write and what people think about what I share on this blog. I know that I have family that reads this blog (hi sistah!) and some people from my hometown and it’s always like, well, if I write that what will they think?
Well, does it really matter? Isn’t that what the point of this blog comes down to, a way for me to share my thoughts and relate with other people that may be going through the same issues or have some wisdom to share along the way?
So, let’s be honest.
Honestly… this year hasn’t been the greatest. For some reason, turning 30 was super hard – harder than turning any ‘number’ should be in reality. I’m not quite sure why it was so hard. I remember the conversation I had with my Dad on my birthday and he was telling me that things were going to be different, it just wasn’t going to be the same old life because there’s something about being in your 30s versus in your 20s that just changes stuff.
Maybe I just have it in my head that it’s supposed to be different, but it just is. I feel like I don’t have a place where I fit right now. All of my friends (OK, not all… but like 95% of them :)) are having kids and while I still love them dearly and enjoy chatting with them (my friends, not their kids… although they are cute, too), it’s a different conversation about what their life looks like compared to mine. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just how life goes.
And the one thing that’s been constant in my life for the past 15+ years… running. It’s still a constant, but even now, I feel like my relationship with it has changed. I feel like I’m back to running for the reason that I started… to lose weight, and in fear of gaining weight. Did anyone tell you that that also happens when you turn 30? I swear, I can eat pizza for dinner and the next morning, feel its impact on my love handles. Thanks for that.
But it’s been a struggle to figure out what my body needs to be happy. It’s been a hit on my self-esteem as I look in the mirror and not like some of what I see looking back and no matter how I try, it just doesn’t change. Sure, I can always do a little better – but sometimes junk food serves as the only solace I have to deal with the anger when you try so freaking hard to get rid of that extra 5, 10, 15 pounds and it just doesn’t budge.
And then the cycle continues.
Back to running. I haven’t been hitting the goals I’ve wanted in the past year or two, and I know part of it is the weight issue, but the other part of it is a mystery. Am I training too hard? Have I “peaked” and hitting that sub-3:30 is going to be a long shot? I don’t know.
Maybe that’s the issue. I just feel like everything is in this weird “I don’t know” stage and it’s just uneasy not having any direction of whether this is where I should be in life or if I’m going down a completely wrong path… it feels weird after, for so many years, having an idea of “I’m going to do this, this and this and THIS will happen.” I don’t have that, and while I don’t like planning out my life to a tee, it’s nice to have some direction or indication that things are right.
Then again, maybe I’m just becoming a cynical 30-year-old. That’s what happens in your 30s, right? You stop seeing the good in the world and you start to let the grays of logic creep into your view.
It’ll get better, says the eternal optimist in me. Only time will tell. But in any case, thanks for listening (or reading!) to this random rant.
Did you have a hard time turning 30 or another age? What was so hard about it?
How do you get out of a “funk” when you’re in one?
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